


This Little Piggy cried "wee wee wee" all the way home

by Nara



Series: The Mental Illness Chronicles [3]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Bulimia, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Eating Disorders, Emetophobia, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, no real resolution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 18:01:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12917265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nara/pseuds/Nara
Summary: Yuuri Katsuki has always had a problem with his weight. He thought he had a solution.CONTENT WARNING: Eating disorders, bulimia, vomiting





	This Little Piggy cried "wee wee wee" all the way home

**Author's Note:**

> And again, another Yuri on Ice fanfiction based on my own mental health issues. This one is a little different because I am not an athlete, so it's not 100% mapped onto my experience, but Yuuri's experience is based on my own struggles.

Yuuri Katsuki has always been chubby. He takes after his mother in that regard. He gains weight easily, but can lose it with hard work and perseverance. When he’s training for the ice skating season, running every day, doing dance practice, he’s able to stay in shape, slim down a bit, and be at a healthy weight.

But ever since Yuuri was young, that hasn’t been enough.

Yuuri likes good food too much. Growing up in an onsen, his mother’s homemade cooking has always been the best thing around. People would come from all over town to eat her food, drink the night away, and soak in the hot springs. Yuuri’s favorite was always katsudon. Even when he made a promise to only eat it when he won a competition - because he gained weight too easily, he had to stay in shape – his mother always would sneak him a bowl when he was feeling down. It wasn’t just katsudon; however, Yuuri would eat too much. He would be starving after training, and he would eat until he was too full to move. And he would hate himself for it. So he would train even harder the next day, until the point of exhaustion; but then the cycle would repeat.

~~~

Yuuri Katsuki started throwing up when he was twelve years old.

He had been practicing with Yuuko and Takeshi, like he did almost every day. They had just watched Viktor Nikiforov skate a beautiful routine in the Junior Russian Nationals, and they were inspired. Yuuri wanted to work on his triple axel – Viktor had mastered it by the time he was Yuuri’s age, and Yuuri was determined to not fall far behind his idol.

When he fell, time and time again, Takeshi laughed. He came over and poked Yuuri in his slightly pudgy stomach. “You’re too fat to land a jump like that!”

Yuuko stomped her foot and yelled, “Takeshi, that’s not nice! And it doesn’t even make sense! You’re just being mean to Yuuri! Yuuri, don’t listen to him!”

Yuuri frowned and squeezed his stomach with his hands. Was his weight why he wasn’t doing well at skating?

He walked home despondently after practice. He sighed as he walked into the onsen, and headed straight towards his room, lying face down in his bed. After a few minutes, his mother came to check on him.

“Yuuri, are you all right? It’s almost dinnertime.”

“Don’ wanna eat.” Yuuri said, his words muffled by his pillow.

His mother sat on the edge of his bed, concerned. “Yuuri, sweetie, you need to eat. You’ve had a long day at practice”

Yuuri rolled over to look at his mother. He saw the concern in her eyes and he signed in resignation, knowing she was right. He took her hand and she led him down the stairs to the kitchen, where the family was eating their evening meal.

The meal was healthy but there was a lot of food, like there always is. Yuuri found that he was hungrier than he thought, and ended up eating two portions of everything. His father laughed, “My son is a growing boy!”

He didn’t mean anything by it, Yuuri was sure of that, but he couldn’t help but think of the comments Takeshi had made earlier in the day. Yuuri felt sick to his stomach. He excused himself from the table and wandered towards his room. He lay on his bed, and stared across the room at a poster of Viktor. His stomach was churning and he was miserable. Had he eaten too much? Without really being conscious of what he was doing, Yuuri made his way to the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror, lifting his shirt up and squeezing his stomach. He felt fat. He felt miserable. He couldn’t keep all that food inside of him anymore.

Yuuri leaned over the toilet and tried to trigger his gag reflex. He stuck his finger down his throat and heaved. Before he could think twice about it, he vomited. He spent the next five minutes with his head in the toilet, throwing up as much as he could. When he finished, he washed his mouth out in the sink and took a sip of cool water. He felt…better. His stomach wasn’t churning anymore. He didn’t feel as miserable. He still felt guilty about eating all that food, and he felt guilty about throwing it all up. But overall he felt okay.

Yuuri found his mother waiting for him outside the bathroom. “Yuuri, are you okay? I heard you throwing up.”

Yuuri squirmed under his mother’s caring gaze. “Just…just feeling a little ill, that’s all.”

His mother put her hand to his forehead, to feel for a fever. As he felt normal, she sent him off to bed with a stern order to get enough sleep, and maybe he would feel better in the morning.

Yuuri felt bad about lying to his mother, but he thought that it would be okay. Maybe he had found a solution to his problem.

~~~

Yuuri didn’t tell anyone about his new secret. Deep in his heart, he knew it was something he shouldn’t be doing, but it made him feel better. It made him feel more in control of his body.

He didn’t throw up after every meal. He didn’t even throw up every day. But when he was stressed, which was often, when he felt fat or guilty for eating too much, when he felt like he couldn’t do a skating move or a ballet form because his body was getting in the way, Yuuri would throw up.

He thought he had it under control. It felt manageable. It never got in the way of his skating in competitions, and since he didn’t do it all the time, he never thought it was a real problem.

He had learned about eating disorders in school, particularly when he went to Detroit. There was a whole presentation on them at orientation to his new university. But bulimia was something that teenage girls had, not young boys, and certainly not boys his age. He was just making himself feel better – he didn’t have to throw up. He was in control.

And slowly, it stopped mattering. Yuuri could go out and eat with his friends, but because of his intensive skating routine, he was able to stay in shape. He didn’t need to throw up. So he forgot about it, and it faded into his past.

Things changed once again when he met Viktor.

~~~

Yuuri had gained weight after coming in last at the Grand Prix at Sochi, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He wouldn’t be skating anymore, anyway. He binged on food, trying to make himself feel better, to relieve the hole that his humiliation had left inside him.

Returning to Hasetsu, Yuuri was ready to fade into obscurity. Viktor’s arrival turned everything on its head.

His mother made them katsudon. But Viktor told Yuuri in no uncertain terms that he will not be eating katsudon for a while.

“The little piggy needs to lose some weight and get back into shape first!” Viktor commented callously.

Yuuri knew it was for his own good, he needed to lose weight in order to build up his stamina and muscle. But Viktor’s harsh words really struck him. “Little piggy, little piggy” Viktor’s face mocked him as he tried to sleep. His idol called him fat.

Yuuri made his way to the bathroom. For the first time in three years, he made himself throw up.

~~~

Throughout Viktor’s training regimen, Yuuri worked harder than he had ever worked in his life. He fell back into his old routine of binging on food when he was exhausted, and even if it was healthy food like salads and salmon, he threw up every night.

He maintained his weight, his muscle mass was fine, but every time he looked in the mirror, he saw Viktor’s face and heard “little piggy” whispered in his ears. He squeezed his stomach and choked back a sob. It wasn’t enough. It was never enough.

He hid from Viktor, knowing that if his coach found out, he would make him stop. But as they became closer, it became harder and harder to hide. He knew it wouldn’t be long before Viktor found out. He was ashamed of his behavior, and he knew something was wrong. But at this point, he couldn’t help himself. He still wasn’t throwing up every day, or after every meal. But he was throwing up enough that he began to consider seeking help. But he couldn’t go into a program, not if he wanted to keep skating. And he couldn’t let Viktor know.

Yuuri tried to control himself but it was a compulsion. He would eat too much, then throw up.

One night, he snuck back to the hotel room he was sharing with Viktor. He needed to throw up, he couldn’t control it. Afterwards, he found himself lying on the bathroom floor, crying. _What is wrong with me?_ The tile was cool against his face. He wanted nothing more than to lay there forever, and hope that all his problems would go away. The bathroom floor was where Viktor found him when he returned a few minutes later.

“Yuuri?” Viktor began tentatively, kneeling down, “Yuuri, what’s wrong?”

Yuuri knew he couldn’t keep it a secret any longer. “Viktor…I-I think I am bulimic.”

Yuuri had never said the words out loud to himself, even when he knew he had a problem, just saying it made it all the more real. Viktor started at him.

“Yuuri, what do you mean? How long has this been going on?”

Yuuri sat up and looked Viktor in the eye, “Since I was a kid…but it went away. It just…it just came back…I thought I had it under control, but I can’t…Viktor I can’t do this anymore.”

Viktor’s eyes softened, and he gathered Yuuri into a hug. “Oh Yuuri. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t notice. I should have been a better coach. I should have seen it.”

“I didn’t tell anybody” Yuuri muttered into Viktor’s shoulder, words muffled. Viktor shook his head.

“It doesn’t matter. I still should have known, as your coach, as your friend…as someone who loves you. All this time, you’ve been making yourself sick…promise me, Yuuri, promise me that you’ll get help. We’ll get you help. You can overcome this. And I’ll be there right beside you the entire time.”

Too tired to argue, and too relieved that everything was finally out in the open, Yuuri just nodded.

It would be a long journey, but, as the saying goes, the first step is admitting you have a problem.

**Author's Note:**

> Not much of an ending, huh? There is always a struggle, and Yuuri is just beginning his healing work. Maybe I'll add a second chapter about that if there's enough interest.


End file.
